Horoscopes for the week of 10-27-08

Hell’s Domain

Because heaven’s domain was foreclosed

 

 

Aries MARCH 21 – APRIL 19: A good way to look at the economy is to realize that you no longer have to regret not buying all those stocks you had a chance to buy before they skyrocketed.  They are now worthless, so you made a good choice.

 

Taurus APRIL 20 – MAY 20: When life gives you lemons, make veal scaloppini.  Lemonade has too much sugar, and everyone likes veal, except for hippies, and they can’t afford lemons anyway.

 

Gemini MAY 21 – JUNE 21: You will learn your lesson about petting strange dogs.  Unfortunately, you will not learn any lessons about not tackling an orangutan.

 

Cancer JUNE 22 – JULY 22: Have you ever noticed that there’s never a six fingered man around whenever you’re on a lifelong quest to find one, but they seem to be everywhere the second that quest is over?

 

Leo JULY 23 – AUGUST 22: Due to a clerical error/horrifying incompetence you will receive a check for 700 billion dollars.  Life’s going to be pretty good after that.  You’ll give a large amount to the RNC, cause paying taxes is a form of treason.

 

Virgo AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22: You will successfully convince enough people to vote no on Prop 8 to defeat it, completely neglecting to tell people to vote no on Prop 9, the proposal to make the eating of sausage sandwiches by dudes with mustaches illegal.

 

Libra SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 23: You will achieve your lifelong dream of playing the accordion well.  Sadness will overtake you though, after you realize that your lifelong dream was to play the accordion.

 

Scorpio OCTOBER 24 – NOVEMBER 21: I think that it’s good that we are the first generation that doesn’t complain about “today’s” music that all the kids are listening to; because the music we listened to was such utter crap.  Trust me on this, R.E.M. was not as insightful as you remember.

 

Sagittarius NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21: I can’t believe I was able to think of twelve of these every single week.  Maybe if I didn’t, I might of graduated high school.

 

Capricorn DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19: This will not be the last year you dress up as Dick Cheney for Halloween.  In a few years it will become a popular costume again, after his long battle to stay in the Vice-President’s mansion, equipped with a single rifle and plenty of beans comes to a bloody and awesome end.

 

Aquarius JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18: Your instructional book about how to train a zombified dog will be very popular among humor fans and those who understand the real dangers of the modern world.

 

Pisces FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20: Have you ever thought how bad your smoking habit is for the cigarettes health? Heh…heh…I think I just blew your mind. 

 

I am sorry for all spelling mistakes.

Making your worthless vote count

So, I live in one of those states that will pretty much certainly give all of its electoral votes to Obama.  I’m okay with this, but I do want to vote,  and would like my vote to count for something.  I feel like if I vote for McCain or Obama it won’t matter, as far as my personal voting worth is concerned.  My idea is to vote for a write-in candidate, but someone obvious, so that there is a chance that my vote will be echoed by others and maybe accumulate to the hundreds or thousands.  I have decided to vote for Stephen Colbert.  I am hoping to be able to research the voting numbers for New Jersey, see the small number of people that voted for Colbert, and think, “I was part of that.”

Also, by mentioning Stephen Colbert, or any celebrity, more people will view my blog : )

Words that annoy me more than they should:Main Street

There has been a surge in the use of this term lately, usually in, “wall street and main street” as pertaining to the current economic crisis  I feel that this is another archaic phrase that just has no place in 2008 as it has been used.  This might just be a New Jersey thing, but not that many people really seem to live on Main Street, even if a town still has one.  Main streets seem to be where the stores are, not the homes.  How about saying…”Wall Street and your street” instead.

Naked in the City (Doug’s story)

This is part of the story from Doug’s point of view, as well as a continuation.  It is actually partially true to what really happened.  After the slight raunchiness of the first section I wanted to make just a sweet love story that can even be read standalone.

 

Dear Amy,

    I know, I’ve been too busy to keep in touch, starting up in NYC with a new job has been really hectic, but I don’t want you to think I’ve forgotten about my favorite summer camp girl.  How are things in California?  Well, I’m in love.  Amy, I need your advice and encouragement.  I know you’ll ask, so I’ll just tell you the whole story.

    Girl number one is named Melinda.  She had an apartment but needed a roommate just as I was looking for a place.  So, we moved in together.  At first, I thought she was kind of an OCD queen; she wrote a long list of rules for me, like I was from another country and never even saw a girl, but she was cute enough and the apartment was nice enough that I decided to put up with it.

    She turned out to be pretty nice.  She does have the mouth of a sailor, and you know about me and casual cursing, but she was actually able to clean that up a little for me.  Works been tough, I’ve been really just trying to hang in there until I get promoted to management, and it’s been really great to come home every night and relax.  She’s really great at relaxing and makes unbelievable meatballs.

    We managed to avoid most of the usual problems that a guy and girl have living together.  I didn’t have any problem bringing a girl home, and she had a cool boyfriend.  We did end up seeing each other naked, but I got lucky with that too.  She saw me after a hot shower, and she had an ego boosting grin later; I saw her when I was leaning on a counter in the kitchenette and she ran from the bathroom to her room with just a towel around her head, so she doesn’t even know that I saw her.  I can already hear you calling me a perv and then asking how she looked.  Well, I’m not a perv, it was an accident, and she walks around half naked most of the time anyway.  Oh, and she’s a babe.

    I broke up with my old girlfriend, Ginger; you would have hated her if you ever met her.  You know me, I took it harder than I should have, and Melinda was really there for me.  I will not go into details but she definitely knew what I like to hear and see.  I think that was as close as we came to just doing it, but I was drunk and stupid.

    Then, well, I fell in love.

    I had to go to London for two weeks to report on the branch over there.  It was the best two weeks of my life.  On my flight, I met a girl.  If I try to describe her, it’s going to sound hokey.  When I sat down next to her, I had a breathe of her perfume, and it took real effort not to sigh.  She had on an over-sized brown, Irish knit sweater, with her long, slender neck just peeking out, and her delicate hands totally hidden as they cuffed each other.  This was juxtaposed by her frayed denim shorts, exposing the most perfect legs I’ve ever seen.  Early on, she caught me looking.  Laughing, she crossed them, and whispered, “If you feel like looking at my face, you can tell me your name.”  I was avoiding looking at her face, because I didn’t want to stare.

    Her face.  Can you spare a year while I talk about her face?  A tiny nose, with five freckles, just slightly upturned.  Well-manicured eyebrows that she plucks as a meditation.  Her lashes curl and flutter, endlessly flirting with me.  Brown eyes, like sipping on hot cocoa, sweet and warm.  Her ears are so kissable, I might be obsessed; each one has a single diamond stud, and five other pierced holes, abandoned from her youth; plump, succulent lobes.  She has the slightest, little dimple on her left cheek that appears only at her biggest, most genuine smiles.  I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life earning those smiles, emanating between her soft lips, from the mouth whose words and deeds make life worth living.  Her hair is so long and thick that my hand gets lost in it as I caress her golden brown locks.  Her cheeks are like blooming pink roses, she blushes at the slightest embarrassments.

    “Hello, my name is Gabriela, and then you say,” she smiled as I tried to fight my way out of awkwardness.

    “Hi.”

    “And your name is?” I actually thought it was going well, because she was still smiling.

    “Oh, I’m Doug, are you going to London?” I ask the girl sitting next to me on a flight to London.

    Two hours later, I regained my confidence and ease.  We discovered that we were both staying at the same hotel for the same two weeks.  Half way over the Atlantic she had all my free time planned out, knowing all the best bars, clubs, and restaurants in London.  She kept touching my arm as she talked, laughing and blushing as I smiled at her every word.  I longed for every instance of turbulence as she would grab my hand, blush and apologize.  My great act of courage came five hours into the flight, when I took her hand after she pulled away.  She just smiled at me, like someone given a gift; in half a second, she gave me a peck on the lips.

    I said, “Glad I did that.”

    She said, “Silly bear,” which turned out to be my new pet name.

    Amy, I went for it, I just completely fought through any trepidation and went for it.  I’m getting ahead of myself.

    When we were descending, she put her head on my shoulder and hummed, she does it to distract herself.  After we landed, she reached over and we had our first real kiss.  We agreed to meet at the taxi stand, just in case we got separated, and share a cab to the hotel.  In the cab, that’s when I just said exactly what I wanted to happen.  I asked her if she wanted to share a room that night, and just take it by ear the next day.  She had a small smile, tapped her fingers on my shoulder, and tilted her head while she thought.  She said that it sounded like a good idea, but that she would need to rest from the plane, so I couldn’t expect any fun stuff.

    Gabriela was able to convince the front desk that our reservation was messed up, and that we were supposed to just have one room.  We ended up using her per diem, which was not receipt based, on entertainment and going to nicer restaurants while we were there, but I’m jumping again.  I chickened out and crashed on the room’s couch, while she curled up on the bed.

    We awoke at 3am, London time, and just wandered around the hotel’s garden.  We had breakfast together, and then went our separate ways to work.  That night, I couldn’t wait to see her, and, well…it was a lot of fun.  And that’s the way it went for two weeks, two incredible, passionate, sweet weeks.

    I’m not sure when it was exactly that I fell in love, maybe it was the first time I made her laugh or when she agreed to stay with me.  I realized that I was in love with her when I was working.  Normally, on these trips, I just want to get all my work done and hope that I can go home a few days early, but that was exactly what I didn’t want this time.  When I finished all my scheduled work early for a day, I didn’t want to stay and try to get further ahead, I wanted to get back to the hotel and hope that Gabriela was already there.  For the first time in my life, when I woke up next to a girl, I wanted to stay there; I wanted to keep my arms wrapped around her.

    It was two days before we would both be leaving.  We had both said that we loved each other, and she had the most delicate glow as we were walking through a village that she knew had a romantic little tea house that she was never able to go to before.  We were discussing our schedules to figure out when we would be able to see each other again in the coming months.  She lives in Chicago but was willing to make the trip to come to New York for the weekend.  That’s when I said, “Why don’t we just get married.”  She stopped in her tracks, and I immediately tried to convince her, telling her that I really loved her, and that I could get a transfer to Chicago.

    She smiled and I shut up, “Silly bear, mister lawyer man, try to be more romantic.”

    So, I got on one knee and proposed to her properly, and she said yes, and we had tea as fiancés.  My bosses are very understanding of family men, and I knew that they’d let me transfer to our Chicago branch, even if I would still have to come back to New York regularly.  I would have to give up a lot moving half way across the country, but Gabriela was worth it, even if I had to quit my job.

    Saying goodbye was really difficult, she had four more weeks of traveling to go, while I was coming back to the States.  She’s going to come here in two weeks, and we’ll plan out everything.  It’s been real tough, time zones and work have made even phone calls difficult, but nothing is changing, it’s not the kind of love that hurts, it’s the kind that lets me know we’ll be together soon.

    So, now I’m reverting back to my old self with other people, shy and timid.  I’m having real trouble telling Melinda what’s going to happen, that I’ll be moving out.  The past two weeks, I’ve planned it three times, I was going to get her drunk and relaxed, with a good movie, and just tell her, but I chickened out.  The thing is, I’m afraid that she’s going to get pissed at me for leaving after a few months and just throw me out, and I’m still going to need this apartment for a while.  So, I need one of your patented motivational speeches, a little kick to say what needs to be said.  Thanks Amy.

 

Doug

 

PS Save the date of July 14^th