Hell’s Domain
Because heaven’s domain was foreclosed
Aries MARCH 21 – APRIL 19: A good way to look at the economy is to realize that you no longer have to regret not buying all those stocks you had a chance to buy before they skyrocketed. They are now worthless, so you made a good choice.
Taurus APRIL 20 – MAY 20: When life gives you lemons, make veal scaloppini. Lemonade has too much sugar, and everyone likes veal, except for hippies, and they can’t afford lemons anyway.
Gemini MAY 21 – JUNE 21: You will learn your lesson about petting strange dogs. Unfortunately, you will not learn any lessons about not tackling an orangutan.
Cancer JUNE 22 – JULY 22: Have you ever noticed that there’s never a six fingered man around whenever you’re on a lifelong quest to find one, but they seem to be everywhere the second that quest is over?
Leo JULY 23 – AUGUST 22: Due to a clerical error/horrifying incompetence you will receive a check for 700 billion dollars. Life’s going to be pretty good after that. You’ll give a large amount to the RNC, cause paying taxes is a form of treason.
Virgo AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22: You will successfully convince enough people to vote no on Prop 8 to defeat it, completely neglecting to tell people to vote no on Prop 9, the proposal to make the eating of sausage sandwiches by dudes with mustaches illegal.
Libra SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 23: You will achieve your lifelong dream of playing the accordion well. Sadness will overtake you though, after you realize that your lifelong dream was to play the accordion.
Scorpio OCTOBER 24 – NOVEMBER 21: I think that it’s good that we are the first generation that doesn’t complain about “today’s” music that all the kids are listening to; because the music we listened to was such utter crap. Trust me on this, R.E.M. was not as insightful as you remember.
Sagittarius NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21: I can’t believe I was able to think of twelve of these every single week. Maybe if I didn’t, I might of graduated high school.
Capricorn DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19: This will not be the last year you dress up as Dick Cheney for Halloween. In a few years it will become a popular costume again, after his long battle to stay in the Vice-President’s mansion, equipped with a single rifle and plenty of beans comes to a bloody and awesome end.
Aquarius JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18: Your instructional book about how to train a zombified dog will be very popular among humor fans and those who understand the real dangers of the modern world.
Pisces FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20: Have you ever thought how bad your smoking habit is for the cigarettes health? Heh…heh…I think I just blew your mind.
I am sorry for all spelling mistakes.
Posted by russellbauman 
