Horoscopes for the week of 11-17-08

Hell’s Domain

The leftovers are winning

 

Aries MARCH 21 – APRIL 19: After discovering that your tax dollars were used to pay for the promotion of a law banning gays from marriage, you will travel to California where you will play match maker to a goat named One Man and a pig named One Woman.

 

Taurus APRIL 20 – MAY 20: After finally tracking down your birth parents through the adoption agency, you will be shocked to find out that they were in fact the people who raised you.  It turns out that they just put you up for adoption and then adopted you for the tax credit, which really isn’t a bad idea.

 

Gemini MAY 21 – JUNE 21: Never apologize for an outburst, never…never ever…especially when there is gunfire involved.

 

Cancer JUNE 22 – JULY 22: Nietzche actually meant to say, “Dog is dead” as a concise epithet to his beloved terrier, Franz.  Other than that slight mistranslation, the rest of his writings are just a bunch of gibberish.

 

Leo JULY 23 – AUGUST 22: I have nothing to say to you, and I’m not going to tell you why, you should know.

 

Virgo AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22: Anthony Michael Hall finally burned through the little amount of money he saved from The Dead Zone series.  So, it’s back to your extra couch.

 

Libra SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 23: Joining the circus will not be the answer to all of your problems, you also need a new protractor and a big box of buttons.

 

Scorpio OCTOBER 24 – NOVEMBER 21: You will be given a recurring character on Heroes after you are hit by lighting and obtain the ability to change your motivation and back story every week.

 

Sagittarius NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21: After some fancy maneuverings you will finally have a good enough job that will no longer wake up every day feeling dirty.

 

Capricorn DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19: If you could eat only one type of double cheeseburger for the rest of your life, what kind would it be?  Mine would have blue cheese, mushrooms, and bacon.

 

Aquarius JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18: You shouldn’t be afraid to face your fears, but you should be afraid of that clown down the block, not because he’s evil, the lead based makeup he uses will eventually make him insane but not evil.

 

Pisces FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20: A good way to look at this coming week will be to remember that you still have plenty of cans of spam that weren’t destroyed.

 

I am sorry for all spelling mistakes.

Horoscopes for the week of 11-03-08

Hell’s Domain

Where JCVD still lives like a star

 

 

Aries MARCH 21 – APRIL 19: I’m pretty sure that Aries has something to do with Mars, but I might be confusing it with Ares, the Greek god of war.  Look, I might not be the most astromonogical expert in the world, but as far as I can figure, you will either step in dog poo, or take part in some sort of dog poo focus group.

 

Taurus APRIL 20 – MAY 20: Monkey Russian Roulette is a game where you stick your head in the hole of a box holding a monkey.  Technically, there is only one worse thing that could happen, but the other possibilities aren’t so dandy either.

 

Gemini MAY 21 – JUNE 21: Expect leakage, I can’t say anything more or be more specific, just…expect leakage.

 

Cancer JUNE 22 – JULY 22: You will unknowingly vote for a Socialist, when you were really trying to vote for a communist.

 

Leo JULY 23 – AUGUST 22: After volunteering for Obama, you will be disappointed to find out that your job is to help feed goats in preparation for the great “change” that is promised.  That’s right, the goats are taking over.  The White House will be known as the Slightly Dirty White Scraggy Goat Hair Colored House.

 

Virgo AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22: Despite your best efforts, the citizens of Palm Beach will once again vote in mass numbers for Pat Buchanan, as several thousand elderly voters accidentally type in his name in the write-in screen.

 

Libra SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 23: Your life is truly over when the phrase, “The curtains don’t match the carpet” becomes very (literally) important to you.

 

Scorpio OCTOBER 24 – NOVEMBER 21: You remember that Facts of Life where they all go to Australia and Natalie hit that guy with a boomerang?  Your week will be sort of like that, where you will be the ‘guy’, except instead of a boomerang, it’ll be a meteor, and instead of Natalie, it’ll be God.  Blair and Jo will still be there.

 

Sagittarius NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21: After finding out that you have confused the toilet and the bathtub for years you will be much better suited to handle the discovery that you also confused eukaryotes and prokaryotes.  Ironically, the first mistake will just lead to some social awkwardness, while the second will lead to a horrifying new plague.

 

Capricorn DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19: A new Discovery Channel series will be devoted to recording and dramatizing every aspect of your coming week, often in super slow motion.

 

Aquarius JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18: The charges will be dropped, but the lawn will never fully recover.

 

Pisces FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20: After you forget to turn your clock back, you will finally be able to predict the fluctuations of the stock market exactly one hour in advance.

 

I am sorry for all spelling mistakes.