Horoscopes for the week of 12-15-08

Hell’s Domain

As close to the inaugural address as you’re going to get

 

Aries MARCH 21 – APRIL 19: Need a good gift giving suggestion?  Give the ones you love a gift-wrapped crusty old sock.  Sure, you could get something better, but it’ll make the crappy gifts you give in the next few years seem nice by comparison.

Taurus APRIL 20 – MAY 20: All that beer in the refrigerator is going to go to waste after you realize that you can’t set up the water filter to dispense it properly (the ice cubes will be delicious).

Gemini MAY 21 – JUNE 21: The bad news is that this isn’t going to be one of those fun depressions with lots of singing and dancing orphans, fighting Nazi spies.  The good news is that you are going to make a small fortune selling “This depression sucks” t-shirts.  And, by ‘small fortune’ I mean a quarter a shirt, and by ‘selling’ I mean using as rags to clean windshields.

Cancer JUNE 22 – JULY 22: Bring a nice scarf wherever you go this winter, except to the Scarf Grabbing Machinery Factory, which is in Palm Beach, so you obviously won’t need scarf.

Leo JULY 23 – AUGUST 22: A good pair of shoes can do wonderful things for any dress.  You put them on you feet.  They will make you slightly taller, so watch your head in extremely poorly designed rooms.

Virgo AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22: After discovering that Obama is the long lost George Bush III, who was fathered after one really crazy weekend, you will need to make a public apology to the people of Kenya for stealing their most famous son, because the Bushes are one quarter Zimbabwean. (Spelt that right on the first try)

Libra SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 23: Don’t agree to any “bare knuckle” brawls until you get in writing the exact spelling of “bare”.

Scorpio OCTOBER 24 – NOVEMBER 21: The ACLU’s lawsuit on behalf of Rudolph, the misfit toys, and you will finally allow you all to play in all the reindeer and non-reindeer related games of the North Pole from now on.  You are not going to be as dominant as you hoped in elf basketball.

Sagittarius NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21: All the Jell-o in the world isn’t going to save you now, and you have to admit it was a bad solution from the beginning.

Capricorn DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19: Should we be storming something, I feel like we should be storming something, anyone want to storm something?

Aquarius JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18: You can’t be blamed for the first shoe being thrown, but the second shoe makes you the wackiest Secret Service agent ever.  If that was Reagan you would have thrown yourself in front of him; if it was Reagan’s coffin you would have done more than what you did for Bush.  Maybe some more training is in order. 

Pisces FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20: Buy up www.thisdepressionsucks.com right away, it will really piss off the Gemini’s, I hate those guys, always trying to clean my windshields at intersections.

I am sorry for all spelling mistakes.

Horoscopes for the week of 11-17-08

Hell’s Domain

The leftovers are winning

 

Aries MARCH 21 – APRIL 19: After discovering that your tax dollars were used to pay for the promotion of a law banning gays from marriage, you will travel to California where you will play match maker to a goat named One Man and a pig named One Woman.

 

Taurus APRIL 20 – MAY 20: After finally tracking down your birth parents through the adoption agency, you will be shocked to find out that they were in fact the people who raised you.  It turns out that they just put you up for adoption and then adopted you for the tax credit, which really isn’t a bad idea.

 

Gemini MAY 21 – JUNE 21: Never apologize for an outburst, never…never ever…especially when there is gunfire involved.

 

Cancer JUNE 22 – JULY 22: Nietzche actually meant to say, “Dog is dead” as a concise epithet to his beloved terrier, Franz.  Other than that slight mistranslation, the rest of his writings are just a bunch of gibberish.

 

Leo JULY 23 – AUGUST 22: I have nothing to say to you, and I’m not going to tell you why, you should know.

 

Virgo AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22: Anthony Michael Hall finally burned through the little amount of money he saved from The Dead Zone series.  So, it’s back to your extra couch.

 

Libra SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 23: Joining the circus will not be the answer to all of your problems, you also need a new protractor and a big box of buttons.

 

Scorpio OCTOBER 24 – NOVEMBER 21: You will be given a recurring character on Heroes after you are hit by lighting and obtain the ability to change your motivation and back story every week.

 

Sagittarius NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21: After some fancy maneuverings you will finally have a good enough job that will no longer wake up every day feeling dirty.

 

Capricorn DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19: If you could eat only one type of double cheeseburger for the rest of your life, what kind would it be?  Mine would have blue cheese, mushrooms, and bacon.

 

Aquarius JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18: You shouldn’t be afraid to face your fears, but you should be afraid of that clown down the block, not because he’s evil, the lead based makeup he uses will eventually make him insane but not evil.

 

Pisces FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20: A good way to look at this coming week will be to remember that you still have plenty of cans of spam that weren’t destroyed.

 

I am sorry for all spelling mistakes.

Horoscopes for the week of 11-03-08

Hell’s Domain

Where JCVD still lives like a star

 

 

Aries MARCH 21 – APRIL 19: I’m pretty sure that Aries has something to do with Mars, but I might be confusing it with Ares, the Greek god of war.  Look, I might not be the most astromonogical expert in the world, but as far as I can figure, you will either step in dog poo, or take part in some sort of dog poo focus group.

 

Taurus APRIL 20 – MAY 20: Monkey Russian Roulette is a game where you stick your head in the hole of a box holding a monkey.  Technically, there is only one worse thing that could happen, but the other possibilities aren’t so dandy either.

 

Gemini MAY 21 – JUNE 21: Expect leakage, I can’t say anything more or be more specific, just…expect leakage.

 

Cancer JUNE 22 – JULY 22: You will unknowingly vote for a Socialist, when you were really trying to vote for a communist.

 

Leo JULY 23 – AUGUST 22: After volunteering for Obama, you will be disappointed to find out that your job is to help feed goats in preparation for the great “change” that is promised.  That’s right, the goats are taking over.  The White House will be known as the Slightly Dirty White Scraggy Goat Hair Colored House.

 

Virgo AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22: Despite your best efforts, the citizens of Palm Beach will once again vote in mass numbers for Pat Buchanan, as several thousand elderly voters accidentally type in his name in the write-in screen.

 

Libra SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 23: Your life is truly over when the phrase, “The curtains don’t match the carpet” becomes very (literally) important to you.

 

Scorpio OCTOBER 24 – NOVEMBER 21: You remember that Facts of Life where they all go to Australia and Natalie hit that guy with a boomerang?  Your week will be sort of like that, where you will be the ‘guy’, except instead of a boomerang, it’ll be a meteor, and instead of Natalie, it’ll be God.  Blair and Jo will still be there.

 

Sagittarius NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21: After finding out that you have confused the toilet and the bathtub for years you will be much better suited to handle the discovery that you also confused eukaryotes and prokaryotes.  Ironically, the first mistake will just lead to some social awkwardness, while the second will lead to a horrifying new plague.

 

Capricorn DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19: A new Discovery Channel series will be devoted to recording and dramatizing every aspect of your coming week, often in super slow motion.

 

Aquarius JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18: The charges will be dropped, but the lawn will never fully recover.

 

Pisces FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20: After you forget to turn your clock back, you will finally be able to predict the fluctuations of the stock market exactly one hour in advance.

 

I am sorry for all spelling mistakes.

Horoscopes for the week of 10-27-08

Hell’s Domain

Because heaven’s domain was foreclosed

 

 

Aries MARCH 21 – APRIL 19: A good way to look at the economy is to realize that you no longer have to regret not buying all those stocks you had a chance to buy before they skyrocketed.  They are now worthless, so you made a good choice.

 

Taurus APRIL 20 – MAY 20: When life gives you lemons, make veal scaloppini.  Lemonade has too much sugar, and everyone likes veal, except for hippies, and they can’t afford lemons anyway.

 

Gemini MAY 21 – JUNE 21: You will learn your lesson about petting strange dogs.  Unfortunately, you will not learn any lessons about not tackling an orangutan.

 

Cancer JUNE 22 – JULY 22: Have you ever noticed that there’s never a six fingered man around whenever you’re on a lifelong quest to find one, but they seem to be everywhere the second that quest is over?

 

Leo JULY 23 – AUGUST 22: Due to a clerical error/horrifying incompetence you will receive a check for 700 billion dollars.  Life’s going to be pretty good after that.  You’ll give a large amount to the RNC, cause paying taxes is a form of treason.

 

Virgo AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22: You will successfully convince enough people to vote no on Prop 8 to defeat it, completely neglecting to tell people to vote no on Prop 9, the proposal to make the eating of sausage sandwiches by dudes with mustaches illegal.

 

Libra SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 23: You will achieve your lifelong dream of playing the accordion well.  Sadness will overtake you though, after you realize that your lifelong dream was to play the accordion.

 

Scorpio OCTOBER 24 – NOVEMBER 21: I think that it’s good that we are the first generation that doesn’t complain about “today’s” music that all the kids are listening to; because the music we listened to was such utter crap.  Trust me on this, R.E.M. was not as insightful as you remember.

 

Sagittarius NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21: I can’t believe I was able to think of twelve of these every single week.  Maybe if I didn’t, I might of graduated high school.

 

Capricorn DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19: This will not be the last year you dress up as Dick Cheney for Halloween.  In a few years it will become a popular costume again, after his long battle to stay in the Vice-President’s mansion, equipped with a single rifle and plenty of beans comes to a bloody and awesome end.

 

Aquarius JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18: Your instructional book about how to train a zombified dog will be very popular among humor fans and those who understand the real dangers of the modern world.

 

Pisces FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20: Have you ever thought how bad your smoking habit is for the cigarettes health? Heh…heh…I think I just blew your mind. 

 

I am sorry for all spelling mistakes.

Outline (Monkey trial)

Okay, here’s my advice for the world of writing: Always make an outline.  It really helps.  I didn’t realize it until late in college, but once you have an outline, you just need to fill out the rest with a few sentences to make paragraphs, and that’s easy.

So here’s my outline for my play (first act so far) on the Scopes Monkey Trial based on the actual facts of the trial:

Four actors and a table.

scene 1: Rappleyea family in dayton waiting for father to get home.  The kids hate Tennessee after moving from New York.  The wife is trying to hold everything together for her family.  The father comes home and they talk about how there isn’t enough money for a carnival to get in some outside people to the town.  He takes out a newspaper and sees the headline for the new Tennessee law, making the teaching of evolution illegal.

scene 2:  Basically just a scene to get the story going: The newly formed ACLU in NYC.  the members are furious as they look at the paper.  they brainstorm a way to fight what they see as an affront to free speech.  They decide to buy a full page add in the Ohio paper, offering to pay for the legal fees and any fines incurred by someone that defied the law.

scene 3: might be the most important scene of the play, setting up the whole premise that the whole thing was orchestrated: the city council is having a meeting, and one of the members is reading the paper with the ACLU ad in it.  They decide that having this high profile trial will bring in the media and much needed money to the town.  Scopes mentions that he’s substituting as biology teacher at the school and says that he thinks the law is stupid and would be happy to try teaching evolution.

Scene 4: quick scene showing William Jennings Bryan entering the prosecution: WJB is reading a newspaper about the arrest of Scopes and decides that this is a good chance to get back in the public spotlight.  He collects his team and heads for Dayton.

Scene 5: The final scene of act 1 introduces Clarence Darrow: Rappleyea goes to NYC to recruit Darrow to lead the defense.  Darrow talks about putting the law on trial in a misdemeanor case.  He first brings about attacking creationism, and the need to bring the media on their side.

End act 1

Worse Movie I Saw Today: Cannonball Run 2

The movies that I’m writing about simply bad, they are not “so bad that they’re good”, and they are not simply unwatchable.  They are so bad, so poorly conceived, implemented, and presented on every level that they need to be seen.  Movies that epitomize some basic aspect of hubris, laziness, or madness innate in humanity

Which brings me to Cannonball Run 2, a sequel to a mediocre movie which belongs to that strange group of celebrity laden cross country race movies.  The entire sequel is ripe with the stench of contractual obligation.  That is why it is a must see.  What is contractual obligation in such a large and complicated thing as a major motion picture?  It is a cross country race from LA to Conn that never leaves Nevada.  It is Frank  Sinatra being edited into  scene with Sammy Davis Jr and Dean Martin without actually being on the same set.  And it is ending the race with a nonsense cartoon, clips from earlier in the film, and simply saying that no one won.  It is beautiful, and amazing, and must be seen to believe.

How to be Naked in the City Without Being Noticed (day 36)

Day 36     Is there anybody out there?

 

    Doug has been away on business for two weeks, he’s due back tomorrow.  Now, I have to make this clear, I’ve never been alone for a long period of time in my life.  I have always had my family, or a roommate.  So, the fact that I’m depressingly lonely should not be assumed to be the direct result of my feelings for Doug.

    I thought that it would be a positive of him living here, that his schedule away would afford me plenty of time alone if I was getting annoyed with him.  So, now I get to experience that most clichéd situation, being alone in the city of ten million.  I have friends over to share the couch during a movie, but no one is there in the morning.  I was used to being woken up by his running shower, it’s nicer than an alarm clock.  I liked that the lights were on when I came home after work.  And, well, I miss Doug, he’s a good guy, I’ve had too many brilliantly snide comments go silent for lack of audience.