Horoscopes for the week of 11-03-08

Hell’s Domain

Where JCVD still lives like a star

 

 

Aries MARCH 21 – APRIL 19: I’m pretty sure that Aries has something to do with Mars, but I might be confusing it with Ares, the Greek god of war.  Look, I might not be the most astromonogical expert in the world, but as far as I can figure, you will either step in dog poo, or take part in some sort of dog poo focus group.

 

Taurus APRIL 20 – MAY 20: Monkey Russian Roulette is a game where you stick your head in the hole of a box holding a monkey.  Technically, there is only one worse thing that could happen, but the other possibilities aren’t so dandy either.

 

Gemini MAY 21 – JUNE 21: Expect leakage, I can’t say anything more or be more specific, just…expect leakage.

 

Cancer JUNE 22 – JULY 22: You will unknowingly vote for a Socialist, when you were really trying to vote for a communist.

 

Leo JULY 23 – AUGUST 22: After volunteering for Obama, you will be disappointed to find out that your job is to help feed goats in preparation for the great “change” that is promised.  That’s right, the goats are taking over.  The White House will be known as the Slightly Dirty White Scraggy Goat Hair Colored House.

 

Virgo AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22: Despite your best efforts, the citizens of Palm Beach will once again vote in mass numbers for Pat Buchanan, as several thousand elderly voters accidentally type in his name in the write-in screen.

 

Libra SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 23: Your life is truly over when the phrase, “The curtains don’t match the carpet” becomes very (literally) important to you.

 

Scorpio OCTOBER 24 – NOVEMBER 21: You remember that Facts of Life where they all go to Australia and Natalie hit that guy with a boomerang?  Your week will be sort of like that, where you will be the ‘guy’, except instead of a boomerang, it’ll be a meteor, and instead of Natalie, it’ll be God.  Blair and Jo will still be there.

 

Sagittarius NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21: After finding out that you have confused the toilet and the bathtub for years you will be much better suited to handle the discovery that you also confused eukaryotes and prokaryotes.  Ironically, the first mistake will just lead to some social awkwardness, while the second will lead to a horrifying new plague.

 

Capricorn DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19: A new Discovery Channel series will be devoted to recording and dramatizing every aspect of your coming week, often in super slow motion.

 

Aquarius JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18: The charges will be dropped, but the lawn will never fully recover.

 

Pisces FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20: After you forget to turn your clock back, you will finally be able to predict the fluctuations of the stock market exactly one hour in advance.

 

I am sorry for all spelling mistakes.

Horoscopes for the week of 10-27-08

Hell’s Domain

Because heaven’s domain was foreclosed

 

 

Aries MARCH 21 – APRIL 19: A good way to look at the economy is to realize that you no longer have to regret not buying all those stocks you had a chance to buy before they skyrocketed.  They are now worthless, so you made a good choice.

 

Taurus APRIL 20 – MAY 20: When life gives you lemons, make veal scaloppini.  Lemonade has too much sugar, and everyone likes veal, except for hippies, and they can’t afford lemons anyway.

 

Gemini MAY 21 – JUNE 21: You will learn your lesson about petting strange dogs.  Unfortunately, you will not learn any lessons about not tackling an orangutan.

 

Cancer JUNE 22 – JULY 22: Have you ever noticed that there’s never a six fingered man around whenever you’re on a lifelong quest to find one, but they seem to be everywhere the second that quest is over?

 

Leo JULY 23 – AUGUST 22: Due to a clerical error/horrifying incompetence you will receive a check for 700 billion dollars.  Life’s going to be pretty good after that.  You’ll give a large amount to the RNC, cause paying taxes is a form of treason.

 

Virgo AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22: You will successfully convince enough people to vote no on Prop 8 to defeat it, completely neglecting to tell people to vote no on Prop 9, the proposal to make the eating of sausage sandwiches by dudes with mustaches illegal.

 

Libra SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 23: You will achieve your lifelong dream of playing the accordion well.  Sadness will overtake you though, after you realize that your lifelong dream was to play the accordion.

 

Scorpio OCTOBER 24 – NOVEMBER 21: I think that it’s good that we are the first generation that doesn’t complain about “today’s” music that all the kids are listening to; because the music we listened to was such utter crap.  Trust me on this, R.E.M. was not as insightful as you remember.

 

Sagittarius NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21: I can’t believe I was able to think of twelve of these every single week.  Maybe if I didn’t, I might of graduated high school.

 

Capricorn DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19: This will not be the last year you dress up as Dick Cheney for Halloween.  In a few years it will become a popular costume again, after his long battle to stay in the Vice-President’s mansion, equipped with a single rifle and plenty of beans comes to a bloody and awesome end.

 

Aquarius JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18: Your instructional book about how to train a zombified dog will be very popular among humor fans and those who understand the real dangers of the modern world.

 

Pisces FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20: Have you ever thought how bad your smoking habit is for the cigarettes health? Heh…heh…I think I just blew your mind. 

 

I am sorry for all spelling mistakes.